He used to say the time out loud when we finished, the way you do at the end of a parkrun. “Eighteen minutes.” He was not unkind. He thought numbers were a way of being proud. I asked him to stop. The sex did not get worse. The air did get kinder.

How long should sex last? Long enough that nobody is performing a runtime, and short enough that nobody is being stubborn for a score. There is no correct number. Surveys will offer you one anyway.

Average sex duration, in the studies people quote, sits somewhere around ten to twenty minutes of intercourse, depending on who you ask and what they count. Those studies also tend to mean penis-in-vagina, which leaves out a lot of the sex I actually have. I do not trust the stopwatch, and I do not trust the survey when I am actually in a bed.

What surveys say, and why they lie a bit

People lie about time. They round up. They forget the bit where they stopped to laugh. They count only the thrusting, or they count from the first kiss, or they count the night as one long piece because they are trying to win a conversation in a pub.

How long does sex last, if you ask a room? You will get jokes, then a silence, then someone saying “it depends” as if that were a cop-out. It is the only honest answer.

Is 5 minutes of sex enough? It can be. I have had five minutes that sorted me out and fifty that made me wish I had brought a book. The number is not the quality. The quality is whether I was in the room, and whether he was.

I do not open this with a clinic voice. If finishing very fast, or pain, or a sudden change is wrecking your life, that is a GP. What I can tell you is what happened when we stopped announcing the clock.

A friend once told me her husband (her word, not a life I have) timed them on his watch “for science.” She did not look like a woman who had been studied. She looked tired. I thought of my parkrun man and kept my mouth shut, then came home and was grateful I had asked him to stop.

Foreplay counts, whether you like the word

I dislike the word. It sounds like a support act. The kissing, the clothes still on, the mouth, the hand: that is sex. If you start the timer only when someone is inside someone, you have already decided what the main event is, and a lot of us will lose.

When I include the whole thing, my nights get longer without anyone trying. When I exclude it, men I have dated have looked disappointed at a number that ignored the part I liked most.

Should you include oral in the time? Only if you are writing a study. In a bed, oral is not extra. It is the middle, or the point. I have come from a mouth and called it a full night. I have also wanted more. Both counted.

If you need a practical rule: count the time you were actually with each other. Do not count the argument you had about the number afterwards.

I have had a night that looked short on paper and long in my body, because we kept coming back to each other after water, after a laugh, after he went to the loo. If you insist on a clock, that night was a few short pieces. If you ask me what I had, I had an evening.

When short sex is the point

Short is sometimes the weather. New. Nervous. A lunch hour. A morning before work. I have wanted someone in a hallway and not wanted a programme.

Short is also sometimes how I finish best: a focused stretch, no tour. Positions that keep contact do more for that than a determination to last.

I used to apologise for a quick night as if I had failed a guest. Then I dated someone who treated a quick night as an insult to his stamina. We were both wrong. The apology made me smaller. His stamina speech made the next time longer and worse.

If 10 minutes of sex is what you both had, and you both look like people who had a good time, it is normal. Normal is a wide street. I will not pave it with a statistic.

I have also had short sex that was a dodge. I wanted to be done so I could think about an email. That is a different short. If you are using speed to leave, say you are tired. Do not call it passion and then wonder why nobody feels close.

When long sex is just stubborn

Long can be lovely. Long can also be a man who will not let the night end until a goal has been met. I have been under that. I have also been the woman who kept going because I thought duration was manners.

Stubborn sex has a feel. The kiss goes polite. The jaw sets. Someone is working. I have learnt to say “I’m done” and mean it, and to believe him when he says it too.

If you want more time because you both still want each other, change something: pace, mouth, a glass of water, a laugh. If you want more time because a number you read is sitting on the pillow, put the number down.

Does longer sex mean better sex? Not in my life. Better is attention. Longer is just longer.

How to talk about timing without shame

Do not announce the minutes. I have been that experiment. It made me listen for the finish instead of the person.

If you need to talk, talk about want, not runtime. “I want more of the slow bit.” “I finish faster when I’m nervous.” “I liked that we didn’t drag it.” Clothes on, table, one change still applies.

If they ask “how long was that” after, you can say “I wasn’t counting.” I say that now. It is true, and it is a boundary.

The bit I got wrong was treating time as proof we had taken each other seriously. Serious was his mouth when he stopped talking. Serious was me not performing a second half I did not want.

I still have no number for you. I have a preference: stop saying it out loud.

FAQ

How long does the average couple have sex?

The figures people quote usually land between ten and twenty minutes of intercourse, and they wobble with what you include. I treat them as gossip with a clipboard. Your night is not a couple in a study.

Is 10 minutes of sex normal?

Yes. So is four. So is forty if you both still want to be there. Ten minutes with attention has been better for me than a long night of proving something.

Does longer sex mean better sex?

No. Longer means you stayed. That can be gorgeous or grim. I would rather a short night I was in than a long one I endured.

Should I include oral in the time?

If you are asking because you want to know how long should sex last as a total experience, include everything you would miss if it were gone. If you are asking to win, do not include anything. Put the clock away.