The bathroom tiles were cold on my knees and I had put myself there on purpose. I was treating how far I could take him as if the depth were the point. He lifted my wrist, set my hand on the part my mouth could not comfortably reach, and sighed, the good kind. I still start with that hand.

If you want to know how to give a blow job that is actually good, start closer than the films suggested. A wet mouth on the head, a tight hand on the rest, a pace you can keep without bargaining with your own throat. Depth is optional. Attention is not.

I have written about oral more generally elsewhere. This is the version I like giving, and the version I wish I had been given as a set of sentences instead of a dare.

How to give a blow job: ask what they like in one sentence

"What do you actually like?" is enough. Or: "Hand, slow, wet. Any of those?" I used to skip the sentence and try to look as if I had always known. Looking as if I had always known is how I ended up doing a version I had seen, on a person who wanted something quieter.

Ask before you are already on the floor. A shirt still buttoned is easier. I have asked with the radio on, which sounds unsexy and was a relief. I have also asked with my mouth already busy, which only works if you come off long enough for him to use words.

If he cannot say, offer two options and let him pick. Slow or firm. More tongue or more lips. You are not writing his biography. You are getting one fact.

"Can I use my mouth?" I say it. If the answer is vague, I wait. If he steers my head and I did not ask for that, I take the hand off and keep going at my own pace. I have done that. The night did not end. Consent here is the same as moving a lamp that is shining in your eyes. You just say, and then you adjust.

Asking for what you want works in both directions. He can say it with clothes on later if the floor is not the right room. One true sentence is still the job.

Lips, tongue, and the teeth question

Lips cover teeth unless he has asked for a scrape. I like a soft seal around the head, tongue on the underside, not a lot of drama. The ridge on the underside (the frenulum, if you want the word) is where a lot of men I have been with actually live. I found that out by watching a breath catch, not by studying a page.

Tongue: flat and wet is kinder than a pointed flicker, at least at the start. I have done the flicker because I thought it looked skilled. It looked busy. Busy is not the same as good.

Take the head in, then come back, and let your lips stay in contact so it does not feel like a series of stabs. Slow is not timid. Slow is how I notice whether he wants more wetness, or a tighter hand, or for me to stop decorating and just stay.

Teeth: the question is not moral. Some people like a little edge. Most of the men I have slept with did not, and were too polite to say until I asked. If you are unsure, no teeth. If a tooth happens, pause, apologise like a person, continue. Do not make it into a scene we then have to recover from.

I can do the hollow-cheek, look-up version. I do not lead with it. I lead with whether he can still breathe evenly. If he is putting on a face for me, I slow down until he is back in his body.

Your hand is not cheating

This is the middle of my method, and I wish I had believed it earlier.

Mouth on the top third, or less. Hand around the shaft, wet, same rhythm so it feels like one motion. Twist or don't. Tighter near the head, or tighter at the base: that is his sentence to give you. My default is firm and simple. Fancy work is how I get a cramp and a man who is thinking about my wrist instead of what my mouth is doing.

If you need a rest, the hand stays. Say you are not stopping. I used to snatch everything away to breathe and then wonder why the temperature dropped.

A second hand can hold his hip, or cup his balls if he likes that (ask: some men jump), or brace on the floor so you are not balancing on a neck that will hurt tomorrow.

What I actually kept from that night: my mouth has a range. My hand does not get tired in the same way. Together they feel like more of him is being looked after, which is what most people actually mean when they say they want it to be good.

Lube on the hand if spit is not enough. I keep some in the bathroom now. It is not glamorous. It has saved my jaw.

Breathing and jaw ache

Breathe through your nose. When you cannot, come off. I have stayed on out of pride and then had to stop anyway, messier. Pride is a terrible pacing tool.

Jaw ache is not a character flaw. It is a hinge doing a job it does not do all day. Stretch. Close your mouth. Drink water. Change to the hand, or to kissing his hip, or to him standing so your neck is not folded in half. A pillow helps if you are on a bed. A bath mat helps if you are on a floor. I learnt the bath mat the sore way.

Come up before you are desperate. Desperate is how you catch a tooth, or go too far, and then everyone is fussing in a register nobody wanted. If you feel that rise in your throat, you are already past comfortable. Hand lower. Mouth higher. Stay kind to yourself.

If he holds your head and you did not agree to that, you stop the mouth and you say so. "I need to do it this way." Then you do. I have liked a hand in my hair that was asking, not steering. I have not liked a hand that treated my mouth as a sleeve. The difference is whether I was offered a choice.

Spit, toys, and finishing

Spit is useful. A flood for a camera that is not there is optional, and for me usually comic unless we have already decided we like the mess. Wet is the goal. Slippery enough that the hand and mouth can share a rhythm. Not so much that you are managing a situation.

A small vibrator against the perineum, or the base, has finished men who thought they were being patient. I do not spring a toy without a word. "This as well?" Then I watch. If he goes quiet in the wrong way, it comes off. If he swears under his breath and stays, I stay with it.

Finishing needs a sentence if you do not already know the house rules. Mouth, stomach, a towel, pulling away. I used to guess and then feel trapped. "Tell me when you're close" while your hand is still going gives you time to choose. I like that sentence. It is practical and a bit filthy, which is my favourite combination.

If you want him to come in your mouth, you can say that. If you do not, you can say that too. Neither is a personality. I like watching a face more than I like proving I can stay on through the end. That is allowed to be a preference.

Do not treat the last thirty seconds as the bit you must survive in order to have done it properly. The last thirty seconds are still sex. You are still allowed to adjust.

When you do not want to swallow, and how to say so

It is not rude. Rude is agreeing with your mouth and then looking betrayed. Rude is him assuming your throat is a bin. The ordinary version is information, offered while there is still time to use it.

I say, early if I can: "I don't swallow. I'll use my hand at the end." Or, in the moment: "I'm going to pull off. Stay with me." Then I do what I said. The men who made that into a referendum were telling me something about themselves. I did not stay to argue.

If you are willing to have him finish in your mouth but not swallow, spit into a tissue, or let it run, or laugh and reach for the glass of water. I have done all three. None of them ended the attraction. A towel on the floor is not a verdict on anyone's dignity.

If swallowing is a yes for you, fine. Do not do it as a favour you will resent in the morning. Resentment is a terrible flavour. I have swallowed because I wanted to, and I have swallowed because I thought it was the price of being good in bed. Only the first one belongs in a night I would repeat.

The bit I got wrong was staying on my knees after I wanted to stop, because I thought stopping would make me look inexperienced. Inexperience is just a fact. Faking stamina with a sore jaw is how you remember the ache more than the person.

FAQ

How do I give a better blow job?

Ask one sentence, then do less than your pride wants. Mouth on the head, hand on the rest, same rhythm, enough spit or lube that nothing drags. Watch his breath. Stay with a pace he answers. Come off before you are desperate, and keep the hand moving so the night does not drop. Better is usually slower and wetter, not deeper.

Do I have to deep throat?

No. I do not, most nights, and I have not had a man leave the room over it. If you both want to try, go slowly, use a hand as a guard, and stop the second it feels like panic. Nobody is owed the back of your throat. A tight hand and a loyal mouth have finished more people I have been with than any impression of a film.

Should I use my hands?

Yes, unless he has asked you not to. Hands are how you cover the length your mouth does not want, how you rest, how you keep a rhythm when you breathe. I treat the hand as part of the same act, not as a consolation prize. If he says he only wants your mouth, believe him and adjust. Most men I have asked have been relieved to have both.

Is it rude not to swallow?

No. It is a preference, and preferences get sentences. Say what you are going to do instead, then do that. If someone calls you rude for having a mouth that is yours, they are advertising. You can leave. I have. The sex I stay for is the sex where my no still sounds like part of the night.

I like giving this when I actually want to. Wanting is the part no technique replaces. The rest is just staying kind to your own jaw.