He settled between my legs as if he had been given a worksheet. Chin at the right angle. Hands parked. Then he started a pattern I think he had learnt from a page, and he did not look up. I moved my hips to show him. He stayed on the diagram.

If you want to know how to give good oral sex, start with the hips. Follow them. I say this when I am receiving, and I say it when I am the one with someone’s cock in my mouth. A map is useful until the person in front of you disagrees with it.

I still see the same mistakes: too much novelty, not enough staying, and a mouth that forgets there is a whole body attached.

Ask before you settle in

Oral is ordinary. It is also a thing some people do not want tonight, or at all, or not without a shower, or not with a beard that scratches. Asking is not a mood-killer. Asking is how you avoid spending ten minutes being polite with your thighs.

I used to tip my chin at a belt and hope that counted as consent. It counted as a hint. Hints are how I ended up with a mouth on me when I wanted to keep my knickers on and talk. These days I say, “Can I?” or “Do you want my mouth?” and I wait. If the answer is a noise, I still wait for a word if I do not know them well.

When I want it, I say that too. “Mouth, please.” It is not poetry. It gets us there faster than a trail of kisses that might be heading for the kettle.

If they say not now, you do something else. Hands and rhythm still exist. So does stopping.

A towel is unromantic and useful. So is a glass of water. I keep both within reach because I have stood up with a numb jaw and a dry mouth and pretended I was fine.

Mouth, hands, and the rest of the body

Better oral sex is rarely just a tongue. The nights I remember, there was a hand on my hip, or my hand in his hair, or his forearm across my stomach so I did not feel like a separate project from the waist down.

Use your hands for the bits your mouth cannot do at once. Hold a thigh. Spread, if she likes that. Wrap fingers around him if you are going down on a penis and your mouth needs a rest. Wet fingers. Dry surprise is how people flinch.

The rest of the body is not decoration. Kiss the inside of a knee on the way. Stop and look at them. I have come closer from being looked at than from a man who treated my clitoris like a job he could not leave.

Breathing through your nose sounds obvious until you forget. I have forgotten. The recovery is ugly. Pause, laugh, come back. A laugh in oral is allowed. A grim determination is how you get the diagram man.

Pace beats novelty

How to get better at oral is mostly how to stop showing off.

I used to think a new motion every ten seconds proved I was paying attention. It proved I was nervous. The people who have done this well to me found something I liked and then were loyal to it. Same pressure. Same side. Long enough that I could stop monitoring and start feeling.

If you are bored, you are probably changing too soon. If they are making the small sounds, you are not bored. You are useful.

Speed is not a compliment. When I am close, faster often knocks me off. Stay. If you must change, change less than feels interesting.

Teeth: I do not want them as a feature. A graze by accident is human. A nibble you saw in a clip is a conversation we should have had first.

Giving oral to a vulva

I can tell you this from the receiving end, which is the end I have lived. I have not gone down on a woman. I will not invent a night. What follows is what I ask for, what I have watched go well, and what I have had to stop.

Start slower than you think. The clitoris is not a button and it is not always in the mood to be found immediately. Outer lips first, or the inner thigh, until she is actually here. Then a flat tongue, or a point, depending on her. You will not know until she moves or tells you.

Sides matter. I have a side that works and a side that makes me want to write a polite email. If her hips tip, that is the map. Follow. Do not correct her back onto your favourite angle.

Cover your teeth with your lips if you are unsure. Use a hand to hold her open so you are not fighting skin. If she wants a finger, ask, go slowly, and do not hook as if you are trying to find a spot you read about while your mouth is still learning her.

Stay when she gets close. This is where people ruin it: they speed up, or they switch to a move they have been saving. I have lost more orgasms to a saved move than to a simple one that lasted.

If she says she cannot come this way, believe her and change jobs. Oral sex tips that ignore that sentence are just stubbornness.

Giving oral to a penis

This I have done, badly and then better.

Ask how he likes the start: slow, wet, no teeth, a hand first. I used to dive in as if enthusiasm could replace information. Enthusiasm without information is how you get a wince and a man who is too polite to steer you.

My hand does most of the work now. Mouth on the head, or as far as is comfortable, hand on the rest, same rhythm so it feels like one thing. Spit is useful. So is pausing to breathe and using that pause to kiss his hip instead of gasping like you are in trouble.

I do not treat depth as a score. I have gagged and pretended it was sexy. It was not. It was my pride. He did not need it. A tight hand and a slow mouth have finished more men I have been with than any impression of a film.

If you need a break, come off and keep your hand moving. Say you are not stopping, you are adjusting. Jaw cramp is real. So is a neck that hates the angle. Pillows help. So does him standing, or you on your side, so you are not doing a yoga hold.

Watch his breath and his hand in your hair. If the hand gets bossy and you did not ask for that, you can take it off. I have. The night continued.

Come up before you are desperate. Desperate is how accidents happen and then everyone is apologising in a register nobody wanted.

The moment people rush and ruin it

There is a moment, I know it from both sides, when the person receiving gets close and the person giving decides to celebrate with a new idea. Do not.

Stay with the thing that got them there. If they pull you closer, stay. If they say wait, wait. If they go quiet and tight, that is often the stay-signal, not the invent-signal.

The other ruin is treating oral as the support act. A few obligatory minutes, then on to the “real” bit. I have been that support act. I have also been with men who would have happily stayed there for half an hour, and how long sex lasts got less interesting as a question.

If you are tired, say so and switch. Tired oral is sloppy oral, and sloppy oral is how people decide they “are not a fan,” when what they are not a fan of is being half-attended to.

The bit I got wrong for years was performing competence. I wanted to look as if I had always known. The better nights started when I said, “Show me,” and then did that, for longer than my ego preferred.

FAQ

How do I get better at oral sex?

Ask what they like, start slower than your pride wants, and stay with a pace that works instead of rotating through moves. Follow their hips. Use your hands. Breathe. If you get a cramp, pause like a person, not like a machine that has failed.

Should I use my hands as well?

Yes, unless they have asked you not to. Hands hold, spread, stroke, and give your mouth a rest. The best oral I have had, and given, did not pretend the mouth was working alone.

How long should oral last?

Until they want something else, or you do. I have liked five focused minutes more than twenty distracted ones. If you are watching the clock, you are already elsewhere. Ask. Or notice they have gone soft, or still, or they have pulled you up.

What if I get a cramp or need a break?

Stop the mouth, keep a hand, say you are still here. Stretch your jaw. Drink water. Change the angle. I have sat back on my heels, laughed at my own neck, and gone back. The laugh did more for the mood than pushing through a cramp would have.